Why are Humans Smarter than Quarians?
by Wraithfighter
Summary: It's a horrible, offensive, speciest and specious joke. But, as Commander Shepard will soon realize, the tiny bit of truth behind it can, in fact, be hilarious. One-shot, no romance, just a bad joke that's left the writer giggling like a schoolgirl...


_This is something that I've wanted to write about for a while, although not exactly "Mass Effect" related. It's just that "Mass Effect" is a great forum for this kinda story, given the various... anatomical differences between humans and non-humans and how they might play a part in some of the base elements of society, ones that Science Fiction tends to gloss over..._

_No, not those kind of differences. Ew._

_Anyway, yadda yadda yadda, Fair Use, no profit gathered here, most characters are owned by Bioware, as well as some elements of the plot._

_Enjoy, and please review if you enjoyed it!_

--

There's an old joke that goes, "Why are humans smarter than quarians?"

To be fair, though, nearly every bit of that sentence is a lie. It's only an old joke if you think twenty years is a long time, which it isn't, and it's only a joke if you think jokes of that form are funny, which they aren't. Even those that do laugh at them laugh out of malice, not joy or good humor.

It's not even the original joke. The original 'joke' is "Why are humans smarter than turians?" but it works the same for quarians. It's just that humans had many more reasons to make fun of turians. Nothing breeds such 'humor' like a war with one's neighbor.

Anyway, 'jokes' like that have been around forever. The "How many 'whatevers' does it take to change a light bulb" jokes are still around, even as the light bulb was made obsolete over a century before the First Contact War. So, if you wish to suspend disbelief a bit, it could be called an old joke. If.

But the reason why _that_ joke is because it's a joke that Commander Shepard has been thinking about recently. Not out of malice, though...

--

Twenty meters from the entrance to the mine, where this Dr. T'soni could be found, and of course the Geth would put together an ambush. Shepard was waiting for it. They were everywhere else on this rock, after all. Why not here?

He just wasn't expecting the tank, though.

"Commander," yelled out Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams, from behind a conveniently large crate, "we need to take out that tank!"

"Didn't realize that, Williams! Infantry first, though!" _Seriously, who brings a tank to an infantry fight?_ he thought as another blast by Geth Armature's main cannon impacted on his far-too-small cover.

"I think I can disable the armature's cannon, Commander!" said Tali.

Tali'Zorah nar Rayya, the quarian Shepard first met a week ago on Citadel Station, was a genius at tech. It was too stereotypical to say that all quarians were, but she certainly took that line and waved it proudly. Rocks into Rocket-propelled grenades, that sorta thing. If she said she could disable the cannon that was pinning them down, then, regardless of how young she was or that she had only left her people's fleet a few months ago, she could.

_Probably_, Shepard amended. Aloud, he said, "Good! Williams, did you get a good look at their numbers?"

"No sir! Was too busy running away!" she replied, popping out of cover and firing at nothing in particular for a moment. "Saw two and the tank, but there's more than that!"

"I know. I think I saw five besides the tank. Zorah?"

Tali blind-fired a grenade at the Geth, then popping out for a quick look. The return fire blossomed across her shields, and she seemed to return to safety just as her shields failed, with perfect timing. "I count ten, Commander! Eleven including the tank!"

Shepard's jaw dropped, at least as much as it could with the helmet. _How'd I miss another five?_ "Covering fire!" he cried out, and as Ash and Tali returned wild fire, he snuck his head out for a quick assessment.

_One hopper on the far wall, two up high, two normal troopers and one shock-_ he ducked back down as the shock trooper fired a rocket at him. _Right. One plus two plus two plus one. Six. Which is not ten._ He swore, then added, "Tali, you sure about that?"

"Yes!" She almost sounded offended.

_Great. Can't act with half their force out of sight. Hell, where are they hiding, anyway? We've got the only bit of cover for miles!_ He glanced over at Tali, about to ask her where the targets were and what kind of geth they were. She was returning fire again, the 'standard shoot at them because they're shooting at me', and, for some reason, his eyes glanced at her hands.

Her three fingered hands.

Her hands, with three digits each, six digits in total.

And then he remembered that joke that went around Basic Training, the one that Drill Instructors never told their soldiers, nope, not in a million years would they tell that joke, such an offensive one, too, but somehow every private knew it. "_Why are humans smarter than turians, Private?"_ his DI had never, ever hollered at him.

"Tali," he said slowly, dreading that she might not be mistaken. "What's five plus one?"

"What?" she called back, confused.

"Answer the question, Tali," he said, blind-firing another burst at the geth.

"Ten! Why are you asking such a..." she responded. Her voice trailed off, and then uttered what was no doubt quite a vicious swear in her native tongue.

It's completely understandable. After all, she'd only left her home a few months ago, she's still getting used to most of what goes on in Council space, and she's in a very stressful environment. Anyone could make that mistake. Forgetting that Council space generally works in base ten, as that's what the asari have always used, as opposed to base six, which the turians, quarians and salarians use, really is, no doubt, quite a common mistake.

Most of the major species have to deal with the conversion problem, and it's really just fortune's favor that Humans don't have to convert all their figures from their comfortable native base to the galactic common base, only because have they happen to have same number of fingers as the asari.

It was wrong. He knew that. But all of the sudden he really wanted to see her face. He wanted to see the slow dawn of realization, an ear-to-ear blush or maybe her mouthing curses to herself.

She did, however, hang her head and say, softly, "I believe I meant six, Commander."

"You can't be serious," groaned Ash. She'd got it too. Her DI had probably never told her the joke, either.

"Commander-" Tali began, no doubt to apologize for the mistake.

Shepard grinned, and entirely failed to suppress a small snicker. "No worries, Tali." He coughed, shifting back into his Officer-voice. "Williams, whatever covering fire you can manage. Zorah, disable that cannon. I've got the high hopper. On three," he said, trying his best not to laugh. No sense in teasing her now.

That was for later...

--

Back to the joke. So, why are humans smarter than quarians? And turians, for that matter?

Because the most dumb-ass quarians can only count to six, and they still think it's ten!

...

To be fair, I did say it wasn't a good joke.

--

_I'm a baaaaaad person... :)_

_It should be noted that, yes, quarians, salarians, turians and krogan all have three fingers per hand. Man, that was difficult to check up on :)._


End file.
